I’m now 24. I’m pretty sure I’m not the oldest blogger on here (Chris Haikney is 46), but by god, I think that’s rather old. 24 is closer to 30 than 17. A terrifying statistic, I’m sure you’ll agree. Being born on February 14th, aka Valentine’s day, I’ve always been able to deceptively brag about the number of cards I receive on that particular day.

(man who just thinks it’s Valentine’s Day and not my birthday)

“So then, John. Get any cards this year?”

(Me)

“Yes, I got 23. And 14 of them contained cash”.

Some of those who know me have said this joke is tired and is well past it’s use-by-date. But y’know, every year I love getting the chance to say it and I’ve always found it funny (between the ages of 14-19, I might have used this line 5 or 6 times every birthday). And in a small kind of way, it makes me feel like a better man. But for the first birthday in a long time, I opted not to play the guaranteed top trump of a gag this year. Not because I no longer found it funny (it’s still funny), but because I only received 6 fucking cards. That’s awful! I’m aware that relatives and friends and aunties who aren’t really your aunties feel less compelled to send you a birthday card as you get older, but honestly, 6 cards is a really poor show! Some might say it’s the end of an era. I feel ‘comedy’, as a genre, is poorer because of it.

This next month will be fun. For the next week and a half I will be out and about with my band Paper Cut Out, playing some rock music for any interested parties. Glasgow, Manchester, Norwich, Brighton, London, Nottingham, Leeds, Belfast, Dublin, Newcastle, starting on the 21st (tonight!) and finishing on the 3rd of March, for those really wanting to know. So if you’re coming along, please say hello, buy my a drink, and maybe stick around for the bands? It’ll be great, I know it. Then on the 9th of March we’ve got the consistently tremendous Newcastle half-dayer 9×9 (No-Fi promote this- lots of innovation and rocking. Everybody come along), I know I’ll like that. Then it’s All Tomorrow’s Parties- I’m fearful the week I’m going (week one) is looking decidely inferior to the second! But who cares, everyone will still have a really good time, I’m sure of that. And then…at the very end of the month, my contract at work will hopefully be renewed! If not, March can only be remembered as a truly shit month.

First to PHILL RODGERS (aka Phill from reynolds) for finally getting hitched to his long term lady Kate yesterday (Friday the 13th). I am getting suited up as we speak to go and get properly messy in a hall of people and probably slow dance with Matt Tagney at the evenings end, crying like a baby.

Secondly to JO WOODNUTT (aka Jo from Seachange) as it was her birthday yesterday too.

Hurrah!

Hi folks. I have a reputation as the Arthur Daley of guitars (though my friend Neil refers to me as Denis Waterman to his Arthur Daley but whatever). So, don’t want to disappoint so read on.

I have a SHITHOT guitar for sale.

Its a 1970s GIBSON SG100 and it used to belong to DAVID PAJO . Of SLINT, PAPA M, TORTOISE, ZWAN, ROYAL TRUX, AERIAL M, PALACE blah de blah. No shit. It was used in the For Carnation and Aerial Ms first record as well as on stuff with Will Oldham/Palace. It was bought from the man himself in about 1999ish.

hunniisfunni@aol.com for info

xx

I rediscovered a drink last week and at the same time entered into a strange conversation.

I drove to a gig in Derby so even though there was a bar and people were drinking and a band was playing – a band I love too – get this; I COULDN’T DRINK. I know, it’s messed up.

I was moaning about this to my friend Alex. Alex is a teacher of Design and Technology and he also appreciates the finer points of the Saab 90/900 range of automobiles. So I knew if anyone could offer me advice on how to deal with this it would be him. Actually he also plays drums in a band that sound like Refused (Fixit Kid) but I’ll overlook that.

He suggested something absurd.

SHANDY

And he had a strong argument to back up his case.

The thing about drinking is that it’s all about show and also about comfort on the part of the drinker. I drink pints because it’s the norm and I feel comfortable drinking from a large solid pint glass.

So, I’m driving so I am allowed a pint let’s say to be on the safe side. My normal approach to shoot my load in one go and buy a pint then drag my heels around the rest of the night with a Coke.

I tried drinking coffee instead but it’s so damn long winded.

Another option is the half pint. But then you get it in a half pint glass and it looks stupid. And you drink at a faster rate than your fellow drinkers and you are out of step with the round buying flow. A bad move.

You could ask for it in a pint glass – which I’ve seen done – but even though we all know drinking is an exercise in machismo this act is akin to loudly broadcasting that you have a one inch chap. You would overstep the mark by doing this.

So the answer is Shandy.

A half and half allows for 2 pints. If your friends are on a mission then simply divide the predicted intake up and ask for 1/5 booze in your shandy if you have to. This way you don;t get drunk but yet you still drink pints and you know what? You actually feel like it’s a normal night such is the comfort of the fat glass in your hand and the rushing sensation of the weak bladder that us more experienced boozers get.

But that leaves one problem. How do you order a shandy? You might fool everyone else into thinking you’re on the hard stuff but not the barperson.

I consulted Alex for tips and he coached me through the process.

“You say it like this

Hi, can I have a shandy please – half and half if you will

then pause, look away, laugh to yourself as though you heard a good joke and add

ha ha…I’m driving

then smile”

So I approached the bar and went for it. And it was easy. It even cost the same as a pint so I had that warm feeling of being ripped off too. And get this, as I went to open my mouth the DJ played John Fahey. Incredible.

May I also take this opportunity to advertise the long delayed return of the rock band I play called Wolves! (of Greece). We will be playing in March in Nottingham and London with Oneida and then on April Fools Day we go head to head with Lightning Bolt in Leeds.

Lovely

You know, I’ve been trying to think for almost 10 days now about actors I like, and I can’t find reason to fault Ollie’s list. I’ve only actually seen Vincent Cassel in one film (La Haine), so I can’t comment on that one, but the other four actors are all very close to my heart. In fact, me and my flatmate spent one evening debating over who we loved more: Phillip Seymour Hoffman or Steve Buscemi. We came to the conclusion that whilst Buscemi has been in loads more excellent films, he’s also been in loads more shit too – I mean, he once shared screentime with Sandra Bullock. Whereas the only blemish against Mr Hoffman to date would be having anything to do with Scent of a Woman. I don’t care if it was his breakthrough into Hollywood… It’s. The. Worst. Fucking. Film. Ever.*

However, I do have two words that could bring Ollie’s list shaking to its knees: Judge Reinhold.

REINHOLD IS GOD.

Ahem.

Man, it’s goddamned cold.

[*Apart from Dude, Where’s My Car? I couldn’t even muster ten minutes of that beauty.]

Haha, well, that totally worked. WE HAVE SNOW. Undeniable proof that the Met Office read this blog. And, er, control the weather.

WHERE IS THE SNOW? I demand mass resignations at the Met Office if it doesn’t snow today. THe only thing worse than not getting snow is not getting snow when you have been promised it.

Today I was faced with a strange dilemma I never thought I would be faced with: what do you do when the NME gives your band a rave review? The NME! Enemy of the DIY indie kids, much slagged on this very website. Upon being told our record was reviewed, I presumed it would be a two line nothingmuch comparing us to twelve other bands and moaning that we weren’t The Strokes, but no! “obscure genius”, “transcendent”, “proves Pink wrong”! Having joined the band after this particular record was recorded and ready for release helps somewhat – I can take some of the credit or dissassociate myself to some extent. In fact, having done virtually nothing yet, I feel kind of guilty about the whole ‘band’ thing and end up treating all this attention as an enormous joke. Hopefully some actual hard work once the recording and gigs get going will cure me of this.

I must also say my first look at the NME in about a year has been…interesting. Who ARE these bands? When did they start printing glossy posters?! WHO ARE THESE BANDS? And who let ex-members of the Yummy Fur playing Summerlin’s guitar get to be famous (and can I shake them by the hand for it)? Disappointed to see The Rapture are nowhere near as stupid geeky looking as I had imagined. Bah.

Oh yeah, BUY OUR RECORD. In the shops today “my people” tell me. Hurhur.

Can I also say I only wear Rocket Dog shoes, should anyone from that company want to give me a sponsorship deal. My trainers are leaking and I live in the UK’s second wettest city. I’m a UK size 5, US 8.5. Thanks.

evening. My Mum has forced me to clear out my piles of shit back at her house so I bring you the GREAT T SHIRT CLEAROUT. All this toss is going on EBay in the week so if you fancy anything get in there beforehand and email me:

PJ HARVEY – 1992 passport photos (Blue, L)

BUTTHOLE SURFERS – with Rough Trade backprint (white, L, bit fucked)

QOTSA – Aussie tour shirt, black L

SLINT – Spiderland shirt Black L

FEVERDREAM – Engine, Red M

THE OEDIPUS – grey M

CABLE – Green M

JON SPENCER – Black (old remixes shirt) M

FAITH NO MORE – 92 tour shirt M

BIS – Blue L

SUGAR – Copper Blue L

BREEDERS – Last Splash Blue L

Work is generally crap but it does lead to lots of ways to kill time. Like playing baseball with pengiuns.

I never saw Punch Drunk Love, that’s why I didn’t vote for it.

Actors I like? I’d rather not notice that someone is acting in a film, so I find it hard to think of ones. I’m with Ollie on Phillip Seymour Hoffman (so to speak), cos I only recently found out his name after 3 or 4 films. And I’d go see Samantha Morton in a film, cos of how impressed I am with Morvern Callar.