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V/A – Total Gaylord Records presents: Cwistmas Twee (Total Gaylord Records)

Posted: September 28th, 2006, by Graeme Williams

So if my maths aren’t complete shit, there are a mere 89 shopping days left until Christmas. That means that it’s probably time to finally review Cwistmas Twee on the aptly-named Total Gaylord Records. The songs on this compilation range from multiculturalist liberal rubbish from Colin Clary (“Meow, Meow/If you don’t believe in Christmas/I still respect your holiday/I still respect your holiday”) to flat-out lies (According to The Specific Heats, “Girls look cuter in winter clothes”, when everyone who has endured hard winters knows that they look a lot cuter when they start wearing sun dresses after the spring melt) to self-pitying nonsense (for instance, “If I get buried by this winter/Who will ever know” from the Snoozer song). The other contributors include The Icicles, Spoilsport, The Lil’ Hospital, Shumai, The Smittens, The Sheets, The Diskettes, and Thee Moths, and it’s largely sentimental jangly indie tripe about snow, rosy cheeks, parkas, snow forts, and so on. Personally, I’m sticking with The Fall’s version of “Jingle Bell Rock”.


Graeme Williams

Graeme is one of the infamous Bearded Grim Lords of Canadia, currently banished to Glasgow for his part in the Metal War of 2003 which crushed the souls of over 7 million whiny emo boys. Along with DESCRIPTOR, a 20ft robot of destruction and a bicycle built entirely out of rage and oil, Graeme is already plotting the death of your favourite indie band. Beware.

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