They aren’t about “promo” – what they’re about is kicking the shit into the kids, man. They see music as a void. In the capital (thats London) there is a disgusting trend for style over substance. This band buck that trend. They mix Krautrock and Electronica. They are also crazymental and drink and do drugs. They are from Leicester.
They are KASABIAN.

Yes, it is just gone 9am and I am on the internet. A usual day at work you’d think but NO the fuckers monitored my internet usage and I got fired. Damn. Not even a lecture, just “Give me your pass, get out”. Been there 8 months too, such is the life of the temporary worker.

So, record labels, if you’ve been thinking of giving me a massive sack of money but have held off because you didn’t want to break my cozy life then NOW IS THE TIME. I WANT TO SELL OUT. RIGHT NOW.

In keeping with my current listening tastes and my effort to take myself back 8 years minimum I have discovered an amazing band I feel I need to tell you about.

They were called Nirvana.

They were a punk rock band from Aberdeen in Washington and were sort of wrapped up in the K/Kill Rock Stars thing. If you like Unwound then you’ll have no problems with Nirvana who are, if anything, slightly more polished at times than their big brothers from Olympia.

Their debut album Bleach is quite sludgy in sound and lyrically a little immature but still contains some great moments. It came out on the Sub Pop label and shouldn’t be too difficult to track down on EBay but ultimately it’s a little less satisfying than their contemporaries of the time like The Melvins and Karp.

Their next album Nevermind is a real cracker. I urge you to track this one down and give it a spin. Essentially a concept album about singer Kurt Cobains break up with Tobi Vail of Bikini Kill, this is a fantastic bittersweet pop record albeit with thundering drums (courtesy of David Grohl who’s work you’re probably aware of from his time in Dischord band Scream) and lascerating guitar.

The genius part of this record is the decision to polish the production in a lot of respects. Like The Pixies Doolittle it really adds to the quality of the songs. There’s not a duff track on it, it’s a real pop winner. I’m not sure which label put this out but it shouldn’t be too tricky to get hold of.

After this came a split 7″ with heavyweights The Jesus Lizard. Obviously, nothing was going to quite live up to the might of Puss from the seminal Liar LP but Nirvana did their best with a raucous “Oh The Guilt”. This is fairly rare though, maybe someone should put together a Nirvana box set style compilation?

Their 3rd album was recorded, like most underground US music, by Steve Albini and was called In Utero. This saw Nirvana go in new directions on some of the tracks but not succeed quite as well on others. Milk It and Scentless Apprentice are warzone barrages of noise with Grohls drums taking prominence alongside Cobains screamed vocals. Songs like Dumb and Rape Me are a little too rooted in their older material and don’t sit well on the record. But still, this is close to being a masterpiece. Heart Shaped Box especially melds the pop and noise worlds that Nirvana straddled. It seems to be a tribute in sorts to Cobains partner who I believe was Courtney Love, singer in the LA “riot grrl” band Hole who you might have heard of as Kim Gordon from Sonic Youth recorded their first album. Heart Shaped Box is quite beyond compare and special mention must go to the saucy bassline provided by Krist Novoselic (now a politician). Despite its inconsistencies, In Utero demands to be played loud and is for the most part very dark and compelling listening.

Then they just disappeared sometime in 1994. Whereas fellow bands from their locale like Mudhoney or The Melvins have gone on to something of a resurgence, Nirvana is a name not often mentioned anymore in hardcore or punk rock circles. So yeah, great stuff, well worth a listen.

Dear Mr Revels

I never thought I’d see the day when I would be writing a letter about my disappointment with Revels but it seems that day has arrived.

Yesterday I purchased a packet of Revels drawn in by the excitement surrounding your ‘new sweet’ revelations. The whole idea had given me days of thought before I even bought a packet. What would the new sweet be? And, more importantly, what sweet was being ditched to make room? My money was on the peanut. A certainty, I thought, what with the growing problem of nut allergies. The new sweet gave me more difficulty. I was hoping for coconut but knew it was unlikely since it probably has nut allergy problems itself and of course the public’s dislike of coconut in sweets, the fools. Almost as annoying as the general public’s abhorrence of liquorice (liquorice-free Liquorice Allsorts, I ask you!). Maybe a mint cream, I pondered.

So you can imagine my excitement upon receipt of an actual packet, tantalising me with question marks and promises of NEW SWEET! A rummage around and it seemed my peanut guess had been correct, there being no telltale peanut shaped sweets. I soon munched my way through the rest of the packet, each sweet providing a checklist of all the old favourites present and correct.

And then the packet was finished. AND WHERE WAS MY ‘NEW SWEET’? There was none, unless you have invented the magical invisible sweet.

Your packet clearly states the inclusion of a new sweet and this was not the case with my packet. I have no answer to my questions, no knowledge of this new sweet. When will I ever sleep again?

Yours in disappointment

Marceline Smith

PS. If you’re ever stuck for an advertising slogan feel free to use mine from a few years back: “Like a crap box of chocolates”.

PPS. The addition of raisins to the ingredients list kind of gives it away, doesn’t it?

I nearly sent this email earlier to my boss. I still may.

COMPANY POLICY REMINDER

In view of the number of layabout student types across the Company, I would like to take this opportunity to remind all Finance staff of the ‘Acting like a student’ policy. I have attached a copy of the policy below and would request that you all familiarise yourselves with the specific detail, and I would draw your attention to some key areas:

1. Dress

All temporary workers should be aware that the business expects you to spend all available monies (and also a large percentage of “non available” monies; for example any loans or overdrafts that are in place or could be put in place) on suitable business attire.

You should all be aware that monitoring of dress takes place and dressing in a suit with a tie and posh little cufflinks avoids any doubt and misunderstanding. Please note as well that hairstyle is considered a part of “dress”. “Dreadlocks” are not acceptable and though we cannot suspend a member of temporary staff for having them we will make snidey comments and generally behave with a level of prejudice that if it were racial would see us at an industrial tribunal until said member of temporary staff reverts to something less “studenty”. Beards and the subtle beginning of a beard are also seen as being representative of a lack of drive, direction and work ethic within temporary employees.

Please note these rules do not apply to permanent members of staff whose only dress regulation is that their parts are covered up in the working day and any sacks that are worn are of hessian rather than paper for environmental reasons. This is because their commitment to the company is under no suspicion whereas the temporary worker is always being shifty, not doing work, smoking and stealing Tipp Ex from the stationary cupboard.

2. Use of e-mail and internet

The same principles apply. Personal e-mails are permitted before and after your working day and during lunch breaks. In addition to others contained in the policy, sending or forwarding any non-business e-mails that you create during work time either internally or externally is specifically prohibited. The terms “personal”and “non-business” are kept deliberately vague so as to be allowed to be used if we ever give you a permanent contract and then decide to fire you for fun and can’t find any other grounds to do so.

Temporary workers are not allowed to access the internet at all. Again, these rules do not apply to permanent members of staff who can send jokey little quips to their hearts content and even check out what certain aeroplane dashboards look like online instead of doing anything resembling work.

3. Timekeeping

It has been brought to the managements attention that a few members of staff are abusing the length of the working day by shifting it anything up to 12 minutes in one direction. This was acceptable but now is no longer so. We understand that temporary employees signed a contract allowing them a certain degree of flexibility in their start and finish times within a window of an hour between 8am and 9am.

We are ignoring this.

We feel that this freedom has led to an increase in a “student type attitude”. We define this as a general feeling of being quite relaxed about coming to a job you utterly detest. This is not acceptable. In every aspect this job must and will grind you down.

Again, permanent members of staff can wing in when they feel like it, take an extended lunch to buy shoes in town or leave early to watch the football at whim.

It has been asked whether (COMPANY NAME WITHHELD) expects its temporary members of staff to behave like permanent members of staff with no incentive, less pay and no job security. The answer to this is “yes”.

4. Chatting at work and generally having a laugh (includes phones)

Temporary employees are not allowed to use the telephones for personal calls. We understand the very nature of being a temp is that you have other conflicting demands on your time and that in some cases you will be looking for work outside of the company and so communication via telephone, mobile phone and email is of paramount importance.

We are ignoring this.

This extends to chatting while at work. We do allow the temporary member of staff to engage in conversation but only with full time members of staff and only about football.

We feel chatting or generally holding on to any sliver of personality you may have come into the job with is wholly unacceptable. At (COMPANY NAME WITHHELD) you will only discuss (COMPANY NAME WITHHELD) as though you have any job prospects and security which, may we remind you, you do not.

5. Kicking stones around near the smoking shed

Just don’t. We haven’t worked out what’s bad about it yet but we saw 2 of you smiling out there and smiling is what students do. So forget it.

6. Having ideas that may benefit the company (“Creative thinking”)

This is a complex issue. While we like to cultivate the feeling that your views are valued and that you could have an influence on the way things work we don’t actually want you to do this.

You are a temporary worker, or a “student” as we prefer to call you and therefore you are unintelligent (this means you are not clever). Because you still allow your brain to be open to stimuli outside of the company you are weak and therefore your ideas are null and void.

Permanent members of staff are more intelligent because they know more about (COMPANY NAME WITHHELD) . They know less about everything else but because (COMPANY NAME WITHHELD) is the world, there is nothing else. Therefore you are more knowledgable about nothing.

Please bear in mind because of the nature of the temporary worker we can terminate a contract with no notice and no reason. We see no conflict in this situation and us asking you to act like permanent employees.

NB. The term “student” can be applied to anyone, even those out of full time education for 6 years and over

In my job it is possible to “raise a pink stub” in order to “get the disco going”.

Here are some other lovely comments from the people who work in the call centre (spelling is straight from the comments):

“Cust called when she was down on electric and someone advised customer that she should go to a hotel or eat cold beans”

“spoke to Miss K but she was not able to speak”

“reading seemed a bit out of sink”

“cust requested to speek to someone higher than myself”

“it’s been a catogory of mistakes”

“house hit by lightening”

“house hit by lighting”

(person is looking for a property) “there is a big hole in the ground where something once stood and is possibly that”

“confirmed property is demolised”

“exoplained”

“expolained”

“occuopier”

“acocunt”

“garunted”

“garentee”

“customer has been reduced to near teers”

“customer is with daughter having belly button pierced. will call back later”

“cust qurin if mops gona be out obn wed conformed this, but relised scot power mat they are only avail on tues + thurs dairyed to contact cust” (translated – The customer is querying if meter operations are going to be out on wednesday and I confirmed this but then realised meter operations are only available on tuesday and thursday so I have placed this in my diary so I can contact the customer to tell them)

“property empty for a while. is a shabby council house”

“the night reate follows on from perv reads”

“queen of puddings, £1.49”

“customer deceased (apr 03) so should not be chased for debt”

“I apologised to customer and luckily he finds the situation quite funny”

“there is a gas leek at the property”

“passed call to meter changes to orangise”

“miis F custclaled thatshe has n ow moved out, of proert nbut dosner hand over the keys ofd proerty untill 16th feb I aidvseed to clal nearer thattime andf I iwll geta key swnet out ofr m enter alsoa refiund of gas accoutt has been done a bill is up to date reading”

“tried to call…no one was responsing”

“customer called back again regarding her ill father as she is not happy with us, stated that we have pressurised him into coming to us. I stated that we do not have a list of ill people in Britain”

“told her she can go to the post office and INSERT IT”

“the customer hunged up”

“log”, right. got it. i can talk about mundane shit.

i’ve been kinda sickly lately. a cold, they call it. felt worse than that. when you can’t be bothered to say owt cos it seems too much effort to pass air through your throat and you blow blood out of your nose, “cold” seems like a lame description. whatever. it didn’t stop me from smoking a dozen spanish Camel cigarettes a day. Hardcore. And they’re in a SOFT PACK too.

We all know smoking makes you look COOL, but taking a cigarette from a soft pack makes you look 3 times as cool. And if you’re doing it when you’re ill, you’re the coolest motherfucker alive! Yeah. Anyway, soft packs. So cool. Give the pack a wee flick on the bottom and one pokes out of the pack, amazing stuff. I was in a club the other week, looking like the coolest motherfucker alive (naturally), when i flicked the pack and two cigs flew out of the pack, one onto the floor next to me, one onto the dancefloor. So fucking cool.

Oh so I have to talk about what I’ve been up to like a “log”! Sorry…

So today I got up, had a bowl of cereal, looked at Teletext. Then I got in my car, drove to work. I logged into my computer and sat sorting out peoples electric accounts until around 9.30 when I had a break to have a cup of tea. Then at about 11 I went for a massive poo and took my phone in the toilet and failed to break my personal best of 55 on the game Bananas.

I took lunch at 1 (ham and mustard sandwiches). I had around 4 tea/coffee breaks in the afternoon and left at 4 in my car to go home. I had a slight argument with my girlfriend at about 4.45. I then practised with my friend Gareth for a couple of hours ending in me farting into a microphone and looping it through my amp.

I have just had another cup of tea and drawn a picture of a nob in photoshop.

Later on I will have a shower, I might have a wank beforehand so I’m clean when I go to bed which should be around midnight depending if I watch the last hour of The Burbs that I taped last night.

chris

x

Hah, Dave is describing EVERY SINGLE GIG I HAVE EVER BEEN TO. Well, not that Hella have played every gig I’ve been to but that they could have been standing in for all the bands as I would not have seen enough to notice. The only gigs I have ever seen are those when I had permission to stand on or beside the stage so as to take photos or when no-one else bothered to come to the gig. This is why I can’t remember what people in bands look like but can recognise random people that go to the same gigs as me.

I enjoyed the Unexplained Snacks of America article on The Morning News today but…..when do we get the answers?!!

I feel I must share with you all my bummedness. I am on a Norris McWherter style Guinness Book Of Records Dedication Is What You Need attempt to bust all previously known records for being in the most bands. However, this occasionally backfires when you have to turn down playing in a band you love because you have too many gigs with a band you’re in (and lovejust as much). Today I failed to get time off work to play bass in a band I shit the bed over. I am gutted. But as a non bass player it may work out to their advantage anyway. Bum.

But! On the plus side I bought a new car. A vintage Saab 900i. For those of you with a life you may recognise this car from the sleeve of Tweez by the popular band Slint. It munches petrol, hits every speed bump you go over (making a scraping sound from hell) and the heating knob is stuck on full. But in it I am LORD OF THE ROAD. I am Slazenger. And it will do 120 mph. I see my license disappearing.

All this financial activity means I am selling my Travis Bean. Not my yellow one which is the greatest thing in the world but my brown one, which is equally great but a bit under used. So get it before I change my mind. It is not cheap though.