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An open letter to Revels

Posted: August 30th, 2004, by Marceline Smith

Dear Mr Revels

I never thought I’d see the day when I would be writing a letter about my disappointment with Revels but it seems that day has arrived.

Yesterday I purchased a packet of Revels drawn in by the excitement surrounding your ‘new sweet’ revelations. The whole idea had given me days of thought before I even bought a packet. What would the new sweet be? And, more importantly, what sweet was being ditched to make room? My money was on the peanut. A certainty, I thought, what with the growing problem of nut allergies. The new sweet gave me more difficulty. I was hoping for coconut but knew it was unlikely since it probably has nut allergy problems itself and of course the public’s dislike of coconut in sweets, the fools. Almost as annoying as the general public’s abhorrence of liquorice (liquorice-free Liquorice Allsorts, I ask you!). Maybe a mint cream, I pondered.

So you can imagine my excitement upon receipt of an actual packet, tantalising me with question marks and promises of NEW SWEET! A rummage around and it seemed my peanut guess had been correct, there being no telltale peanut shaped sweets. I soon munched my way through the rest of the packet, each sweet providing a checklist of all the old favourites present and correct.

And then the packet was finished. AND WHERE WAS MY ‘NEW SWEET’? There was none, unless you have invented the magical invisible sweet.

Your packet clearly states the inclusion of a new sweet and this was not the case with my packet. I have no answer to my questions, no knowledge of this new sweet. When will I ever sleep again?

Yours in disappointment

Marceline Smith

PS. If you’re ever stuck for an advertising slogan feel free to use mine from a few years back: “Like a crap box of chocolates”.

PPS. The addition of raisins to the ingredients list kind of gives it away, doesn’t it?

Marceline Smith

Marceline is the fierce, terrifying force behind diskant.net, laughing with disdain as she fires sharpened blades of sarcasm in all directions. Based in Scotland, her lexicon consists of words such as 'jings', 'aboot' and 'aye': our trained voice analysts are yet to decipher some of the relentless stream of genius uttered on a twenty-four hour basis. Marceline's hobbies include working too much and going out in bad weather.


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