These things really make me want to seek psychiatric help.

umbrella UMBRELLAS: Walking down the street in the rain is a death-defying feat as the legions of selfish, murdering umbrella-holders attempt to maim, slash and kill you, or at least poke your eye out - baskets! I hate every one of you sickos and hope your legs fall off when you least expect it. Why do you need to carry around your own personal roof? Is a small amount of water landing on your person going to kill you?! Of course not - you are just completely selfish and have no thought for your fellow man! God, I hate you.

traffic lights PEOPLE WHO DON'T PRESS THE BUTTON AT CROSSINGS: Usually men. Obviously, as is written in the 'How To Be A Real Man' handbook, only a complete sissy would wait for the little green man before crossing roads. Or a girl. Well, maybe that's because women are clever enough to use the benefits of technology to cross roads safely and easily instead of getting ourselves run over in the pursuit of some selfish macho nonsense. Can you not imagine the fury caused by standing at a crossing for ten minutes and realising that the lights haven't changed 'cos the idiot standing next to you DIDN'T PRESS THE BUTTON!!? Pressing that button is NOT akin to saying, "Yes, I would like to become a simpering girly idiot and get beaten up in pubs." So just press the button in future or I will kill you. And I will.

phoneBORING ANSAPHONE MESSAGES: What's wrong with you?! Don't you realise what a fantastic toy you have?!! You can put ANYTHING on that machine and yet you have, "Hi, I'm really boring but, amazingly, I'm out (or pretending to be) so leave a message blah blah" (or words to that effect but not as amusing) - my god! We had a new message every week when Marceline got hers, each more hilarious than the last. Okay, it got to be a bit of a hassle to think up new ones so we tend to leave them on a bit longer now but we still change it when we get bored. Yes, we did get a lot of messages of people killing themselves laughing and many confused souls too but hey! it makes life more exciting in a small way. Go on - all technology can be fun so use your imagination.

egg RUBBISH KINDER EGG TOYS: Now don't get me wrong; I love Kinder eggs, but there's nothing worse than spending 40p on this "chocolate and a toy!" treat in the anticipation of constructing some exciting minature toy and open it to find it's a crap thing you've already had ten times already, or a jigsaw, or something that looks terrible and takes two seconds to put together. Occasionally, you get one of the completely inspired marvels of engineering (an elastic band incorporated in the model is a good sign) but more often than not it's one of the series of characters they have at the time; Frosty Froggies, Happy Hippos and the like. The only exception to this were the Glowing Ghosties: I never got even one and I really wanted one as well - pah.

jiji 'Let's go home!'