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diskant is an independent music community based in Glasgow, Scotland and we have a whole team of people from all over the UK and beyond writing about independent music and culture, from interviews with new and established bands and labels to record and fanzine reviews and articles on art, festivals and politics. There's over ten years of content here so dig in!

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Archive for the 'comedy' Category

EBay

Posted: June 6th, 2008, by Chris Summerlin

Amazing!

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=160246683389&fromMakeTrack=true

Plus, strange nudity trend:

http://www.snopes.com/photos/risque/kettle.asp

Like Pie? Support pie-throwers!

Posted: May 22nd, 2008, by Stan Tontas

Diskant likes pie. This New York Times columnist doesn’t like pie as much as he likes rich people. And wars. He’s boring. This video is the best thing he’s ever been (inadvertently) involved with:[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=sv6nvMUq10U[/youtube]

Apparently the pastry-wielding prankster in the video is facing expulsion from their university. Online petitions don’t amount to much more than a biscuit, but, hey, a University’s more likely to listen than a government, so why not sign this in support of the pie-thrower.

365 Days Of Body Rockin’

Posted: February 25th, 2008, by Chris Summerlin

dipsetmuthafucka has a mission:

“I will post a dance video every day until May 4th 2008. That’s the goal. 365 days of body rockin’.”

Some highlights thus far:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4emo38h3_4[/youtube]

Oneida “Business In Japan” (live at Used Cars in Hamilton, Ontario)

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0Qv208zIjg[/youtube] 

Marvin Gaye “Can I Get A Witness?” (live at the Church Of Latter Day Saints, Hamilton, Ontario)

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qzc3krlDrY[/youtube]

 Can “Vitamin C” (live at Fortinos in Hamilton, Ontario)

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLBmniQbGX0[/youtube]

The Maytals “Pressure Drop” (live at the Farmers’ Market, Hamilton, Ontario)

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pNAD0gUurTg[/youtube] 

David Bowie “Suffragette City” (Live at Dakota Mae’s, Hamilton, Ontario)

Genuine messages from Drowned In Sound

Posted: November 28th, 2007, by Chris Summerlin

Some message threads from the Drowned In Sound site.

Bands that seemingly everyone loves and you don’t
Seriously, the best electronica album of this millenium
What do you value more in songwriting? Intellect, musical complexity or emotion?
Artists that changed/developed your music taste?
wheres the hip hop thurston?
write an essay about why you like a certain band
Songs which start steady or quietly and flip or spaz out
mainstream+indie success=harmony?
Bollocks to The Enemy: this is what Coventry really sounds like
british city to produce the last great bands?
myfirstmine accidentally invents a genre
bands that started off bad and then got really good
the girl version of the horrors have supposedly been found
single of teh year?
Signficant albums of 2007 so far
Promoting bands you really like but hardly anyone’s heard of
Building a following
I wrote a song. It’s 6 minutes long, about a boy who rapes girls and you can listen to it…
Singles which arn’t named after any track on it
Which 65daysofstatic album is the best and for what reasons?
OMG
How do our youth group themselves? (in relation to music/fashion)?
If your band had a support slot with a band that you despised musically,
Do you ever buy a CD you that would not usually be to your taste to attempt to diversify, musically
Great Melodic Punk Band I Stumbled Upon
Joanna Newsom’s voice is horrific
bands who you loved but now you fucking hate
Name me the most cutting edge indie you can think of right now
bands that sound like other bands but do it really well
What proportion of Art Brut’s success in the US is down to their Pitchfork reviews?
Bands you briefly thought were good, but then realised weren’t
Do you ever stop liking music?
is there such a thing as unsigned anymore ?
Ever feel like your finger’s fallen off the musical pulse slightly?

For your amusement

Posted: August 25th, 2007, by Marceline Smith

Rubbish band find bad review on diskant two months after it was posted and encourage their fans via Myspace to leave comments telling us we are idiots. Badly spelled hilarity ensues. Go see. I love the timing – HAPPY BIRTHDAY JGRAM!

Best Of Craigslist

Posted: August 21st, 2007, by Chris Summerlin

Craigslist is kind of like the Free Ads in America (though the Craigslist site does appear to have sections for the UK now, anyway…) and, like any public service platform, people get creative with it.

The Best Of Craigslist:

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/all/

3 random entries selected off the 1st page for you:

You’re not looking for them, but I found your two dogs.

——————————————————————————–
Date: 2007-08-16, 10:19AM PDT

Sigh. No one is looking for these guys. And I see why. They hump everything in sight, try to dominate our old doggies, try to eat our cats and pee on everything and bark at everything. Neurotic, lick constantly. They know no commands, either in English or Spanish. They are aggressive and probably lived in a puppy mill. You dumped them, probably, and we picked them up before they were killed by traffic. Unneutered, no tags, under 1 year old small males. I hate you, person who dumped these dogs. There are no lost ads on phone poles, no lost ad on Craig’s list, no lost ad in the paper. We put signs up all over, put a found notice in at the local pounds and if you were looking for these filthy little ragamuffins, you would have found them. We are afraid to take them to the pound because under stress, your dogs were snappy and horribly afraid and dogs are judged by temperment for adoption placement. They would not have passed that test. However…..

They are, under their filth, mats and horrible habits, adorable. They have learned “Quiet,” “Come,” “Sit.” They have stopped being so neurotic and we have broken most of their bad habits in just a few days. They are smart and sweet and are looking for guidance and WANT to be good little dogs. One is a purebred little white and buff guy with an underbite, the other is a brown little dog that looks almost exactly like a miniture version of a larger breed dog. They know each other and were obviously (by the same bad habits) raised (poorly) together. We will get them neutered, train them and get them into a good, loving home with people who use the brains God gave them.

If these are your dogs, come on by, I’d like to kick your ass.

Scary Porcelain Dolls

——————————————————————————–
Date: 2007-07-20, 10:24PM PDT

The thing is, I’m afraid of porcelain dolls. I’m esp. afraid of clowns. These are not clowns, they are just very ugly and evil-looking girl dolls with dresses on. I keep them in the garage, because I’m concerned about them animating at night and attacking me while I sleep.

Please take them away.

MC Hammer Pants

——————————————————————————–
Date: 2007-06-22, 2:58PM MDT

Guess what,

I was cleaning out my closet and I found 47 pairs of BRIGHT NEON MC Hammer pants. I was going to burn them and dance around the flames to try to make it rain or something, but I thought that maybe somebody would want these. They are absolutely the worst pants of all time. I can’t remember being stupid enough to buy these, but I must have been. Either that or MC Hammer owes me a bunch of rent money. I have them all in a huge garbage sack sitting on the sidewalk. If you want them you must just come pick up the bag and drive away. If anybody comes up and tears the bag and spills those hideous things into the street where my neighbors can see, I will be very unhappy. Garbage collection is on Monday so if they aren’t gone Mr. BFI gets them.

If you want this garbage, email me and I will give you instructions.

Making The Best Of Craigslist the best comedy site for the perpetually bored…

Dusty Hill’s Right Index Finger

Posted: July 7th, 2005, by Chris Summerlin

I am delighted to find out that Dusty Hill, bassist for the finest band on Earth ZZ Top, nicknames his right index finger (seen left pointing at his wife’s forearm) :

THE PLEASER

I love this band.

Muse cover Lightning Bolt

Posted: February 8th, 2005, by Ollie

INTERVIEWER: And finally what can people expect musically from the performance that they are about to hear very shortly?

DOM: It’s gonna be a big rocking set, with one or two new songs thrown in.

MATT: Check out the lightning bolt cover song. It’s a new style of music coming out of weird abandoned art galleries in Boston, called Skronk music which is like insane punk, simplistic sort of gamma metal. Dom and Chris are gonna do a cover at the beginning of the gig tonight, of one of the bands that does that.

Jesus.

Muse cover Lightning Bolt

Hello

Posted: November 22nd, 2004, by Chris Summerlin

On Saturday I had my first experience of being a best man at a wedding. It was my Dad’s wedding which made it a little weird. Not blowing my trumpet but I have played to literally millions of adoring fans around the world as the rock star I am but I’ve never known nerves like waiting to give a best man’s speech. Fortunately I was drunk enough to pull it off.

We all stayed in the hotel where the wedding was. I flaked out early being the total lightweight I am but my Dad raged hard till 3 or so.

Next morning I came down to meet him and Anne for breakfast and noted early on that he was looking sheepish and she was talking for him. Weird. I immediately sized it up as being a case of him getting spannered and doing something stupid.

However, I didn’t bank on it being this good.

Anne informed us that he got in bed, felt a bit “rum” and then went to be sick in the toilet. Fair play, I thought, no shame in that.

Turns out though that in the morning Dad woke up feeling a little odd in the mouth and then realised that not only had he flushed several litres of prime chunder away when he pulled the chain, he’d also flushed away his false teeth.

I am at work

Posted: July 9th, 2004, by Chris Summerlin

In my job it is possible to “raise a pink stub” in order to “get the disco going”.

Here are some other lovely comments from the people who work in the call centre (spelling is straight from the comments):

“Cust called when she was down on electric and someone advised customer that she should go to a hotel or eat cold beans”

“spoke to Miss K but she was not able to speak”

“reading seemed a bit out of sink”

“cust requested to speek to someone higher than myself”

“it’s been a catogory of mistakes”

“house hit by lightening”

“house hit by lighting”

(person is looking for a property) “there is a big hole in the ground where something once stood and is possibly that”

“confirmed property is demolised”

“exoplained”

“expolained”

“occuopier”

“acocunt”

“garunted”

“garentee”

“customer has been reduced to near teers”

“customer is with daughter having belly button pierced. will call back later”

“cust qurin if mops gona be out obn wed conformed this, but relised scot power mat they are only avail on tues + thurs dairyed to contact cust” (translated – The customer is querying if meter operations are going to be out on wednesday and I confirmed this but then realised meter operations are only available on tuesday and thursday so I have placed this in my diary so I can contact the customer to tell them)

“property empty for a while. is a shabby council house”

“the night reate follows on from perv reads”

“queen of puddings, £1.49”

“customer deceased (apr 03) so should not be chased for debt”

“I apologised to customer and luckily he finds the situation quite funny”

“there is a gas leek at the property”

“passed call to meter changes to orangise”

“miis F custclaled thatshe has n ow moved out, of proert nbut dosner hand over the keys ofd proerty untill 16th feb I aidvseed to clal nearer thattime andf I iwll geta key swnet out ofr m enter alsoa refiund of gas accoutt has been done a bill is up to date reading”

“tried to call…no one was responsing”

“customer called back again regarding her ill father as she is not happy with us, stated that we have pressurised him into coming to us. I stated that we do not have a list of ill people in Britain”

“told her she can go to the post office and INSERT IT”

“the customer hunged up”